You know those moments when a conversation suddenly takes a strange turn?
You’re calm, clear, maybe even curious, and the other person reacts in a way that feels completely off.
You ask a straightforward question and they get defensive.
You give a simple direction and they come back emotional.
You offer feedback and they spiral into justification.
It’s baffling, especially when your intention is good.
You start thinking, What did I say wrong? Why did that land so badly?
Here’s the thing:
It’s rarely about what you said.
It’s about how you said it, and the ego state you said it from.
The Hidden Reason Conversations Derail
In Transactional Analysis – a brilliant framework for understanding communication – we all operate from three ego states:
Parent
The voice of rules, authority, experience.
It can be supportive and guiding (Nurturing Parent) or controlling and critical (Critical Parent).
Child
The emotional, reactive part of us – playful, creative, intuitive… but also defensive, fearful, or rebellious.
Adult
The calm, grounded, present part – rational, curious, and capable of responding instead of reacting.
When conversations break down, it’s usually because two people are communicating from different ego states, crossing wires, and missing each other entirely.
But here’s the correction that matters for leaders:
The Real Crossed Transaction Leaders Trigger (Without Realising)
The most common crossed transaction isn’t Adult → Child.
It’s this:
A leader unconsciously slips into Parent – usually without meaning to.
This shows up in two main ways:
1. Critical Parent
Too directive.
Too authoritarian.
Telling people what to do, correcting, instructing, tightening control.
2. Nurturing Parent
Jumping in, fixing, rescuing, doing the thinking for the team.
It feels helpful… but it actually removes autonomy.
And when a leader shows up in either Parent mode, it invites a Child response from the other person.
Not consciously. Not deliberately. Just automatically.
You get one of two Child reactions:
Rebellious Child
They shut down internally:
Screw you.
Stonewalling.
Defensive.
Resentful.
Passive-aggressive.
or…
Compliant Child
They nod, agree, and go along with whatever’s being said –
but there’s no independent thinking.
No ownership.
No real engagement.
Neither of these responses creates the thinking, empowered, accountable team you actually want.
Why This Matters for Leadership
When leaders don’t understand ego states, they react instead of respond.
A defensive employee pulls you further into Critical Parent.
A resistant colleague triggers your own Child – frustration, irritation, or people-pleasing.
Suddenly you’re not communicating. You’re colliding.
But once you can spot ego states in real time, everything changes.
You stop taking things personally.
You stop escalating.
You stop rescuing.
You start leading.
You begin to hear beyond the words and notice the tone, posture, energy… and you choose to stay in Adult instead of slipping into Parent or Child.
Adult-to-Adult Communication Is the Goal
This is where true collaboration happens – calm, clear, respectful, curious.
When you stay in Adult, even when the other person can’t meet you there yet, the whole room shifts.
Defensiveness melts.
Tension dissolves.
People think better.
Influence becomes natural, not forced.
This is the point where trust starts to build – and where conversations actually move things forward.
How to Start Practising It
Next time a conversation feels off, pause and ask yourself:
Which ego state am I in right now?
Which ego state might they be in?
What would my Adult say or do here?
Even a three-second check-in creates space – and that space is where real leadership lives.
The Real Power of Awareness
When you can see ego states clearly, you stop getting hooked into emotional dynamics.
You stay steady.
You stay grounded.
And people around you feel safer, more able to think, and more willing to collaborate.
From there, influence, clarity, and connection flow naturally – because people feel genuinely met, not managed.
If you often leave conversations confused, drained, or frustrated, this framework will change everything.
I teach this deeply inside my Strategic Leader and Emerging Leader Programmes, where we retrain communication habits and shift leaders out of Parent and into grounded, calm Adult influence.
Join the waitlist now.
